


Clinch

by Cenoura



Series: Full Contact [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bottom Steve Rogers, Feels, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, M/M, Sexual Content, Top Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 05:37:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8359306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cenoura/pseuds/Cenoura
Summary: Picking up the day after Tap Out ended, Bucky and Steve wakes up together and has to deal with what has happened. Or do they, really? Written from Bucky's POV.





	

He opens his eyes and the first thought that runs through his head is that the room is too hot. It’s not that it’s stuffy, he can still breathe just fine, but something is off and in this newly awakened state Bucky isn’t able to sort out what it is. One of his less charming traits really, the fact that it usually takes several minutes for him to remember where and sometimes even who he is. He rolls over to reach out for his phone on the bedside table to see what time it is...and realizes that he’s not alone in his bed. Steve’s warm, sleeping body is curled up next to him and right now Bucky is leaning against his back with his nose in that blonde, mussed-up hair.

 

_ Oh. Right. _

 

_ So this happened. _

 

He lies back down and breathes deeply, slowly waking up and coming back to reality. Piece by piece letting everything that happened yesterday fall back into place, like snapshots flashing into his head.

 

**_*FLASH*_ **

 

_ Him pressing Steve up against the wall, every thought gone from his mind and all focus on that mouth that’s so eagerly meeting his, wanting more, _demanding_ more, while at the same time accepting every full-force kiss Bucky keeps landing on it. _

 

**_*FLASH*_ **

 

_ Shirts off, skin against skin, so hot it’s almost burning, his hand down Steve’s pants and Steve’s in his, rhythmic movements, no longer kissing but just breathing against each others mouths, fingers raking through tangled hair. _

 

**_*FLASH*_ **

 

_ Lying down on his bed, jeans and boxers a rumpled mess around his ankles, the cool sheets against his back and shoulders a sharp contrast compared to the hot mouth working him, its moans more muffled than his own, but still audible and oh so sensual. _

 

**_*FLASH*_ **

 

_ His hair falling down over his face down into Steve’s, Steve’s thighs pressed against his hips, arms wrapped around his neck, two bodies moving like one and no telling where one ends and the other begins, and at the same time as the world collapses in on them some kind of sound escapes his lips, but he’s not sure what he’s saying and he honestly don’t care. _

 

Steve stirs a bit in his sleep and Bucky looks at him, at that almost annoyingly perfect face with its soft, pink lips and light overnight stubble. And he has no regrets. Absolutely no regrets at all.

 

*****

 

It’s not exactly the first time Bucky wakes up next to someone, but this morning something feels a little bit different than usual. Well, there’s the fact that he slept with his best friend just a couple of hours ago, sure, but there’s something else as well. It suddenly strikes him; this is where he usually gets up, get dressed and goes home. It’s not so much that he’s firmly against bringing dates or casual hook-ups to his apartment as it is so much more convenient to decide yourself when it’s time to leave. 

 

Not that he feels an urgent need to get out of bed and leave right now, though. He rolls over so that he can spoon Steve from behind, wrapping his arm over his shoulder and letting his hand rest against his chest. He lies like that for a while, just enjoying the moment, feeling warm, relaxed and just the perfect amount of drowsy. He considers going back to sleep, but then he can’t help pressing himself a little closer to Steve, nuzzling into his neck. Steve moves again, yawning and stretching languidly first, then curling up against Bucky, mumbling something barely audible. 

 

“...tickles…”

 

Bucky pulls his head away a little bit, but keeps his arm where it is.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s OK. M’awake anyway. Sort of.”

 

Steve turns over, almost tangling himself in the sheets, until he’s face to face with Bucky. He’s got pillow marks on his cheek and that slightly puffy newly-awakened look, but he’s smiling.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

He reaches out and loops one arm around Bucky’s waist so that he can pull him closer and almost on top of him so that they’re lying chest to chest. 

 

“I’ve definitely woken up to worse sights than this.” Steve says, letting his free hand stroke over Bucky’s shoulder and come to rest on the back of his neck, finger’s playing with his hair.

 

Bucky snorts, more amused than offended, and cups Steve’s face in his hand, pulling himself down for a kiss. It’s nothing like the frantic, intense stuff from yesterday, this starts out almost tentative, lips only brushing against each other. But then Steve gently scrapes his fingernails over Bucky’s scalp, which sends shivers all the way down to his toes and causes him to sigh and melt against Steve’s mouth into something that is deep and lazy and absolutely wonderful.

 

It shouldn’t have to end, but it does anyway and for a second there Bucky loses himself in those gorgeous blue eyes and that lovely smile. 

 

“What time is it?”, Steve asks, effectively bringing him back to earth so that he can prop himself up on his elbow and look over to the phone on his nightstand.

 

“Almost 9 AM.” 

 

“Oh, FUCK! I’m so sorry, but...”

 

Steve suddenly seems wide awake and is halfway out of bed in just a few seconds, looking around on the floor for his clothes. Bucky, who has managed to recover quite quickly from the sudden surprise, has an amused look on his face.

 

“I’m actually impressed. I thought that I had some kind of record when it came to getting out fast after a one night stand, but I think you just got me beat.”

 

“It’s not that.” Steve has managed to locate both his underwear and jeans and is quickly pulling them on. “It’s just that I promised to help Tony out with this thing at 9.30 and….”

 

He pauses, so Bucky decides to complete the sentence for him.

 

“...and apart from you being a good boy who never breaks a promise it’s easier to make your appointment than being late and having to explain…” He waves his hand between himself and Steve. “...this right now.”

 

“No! Well, maybe that too, I guess? At least right now. But mostly the part about not wanting to break a promise, actually.” He looks around the bedroom again.

 

“T-shirt?”

 

“Probably still on the floor by the TV.”

 

While Steve goes to find the rest of his clothes, Bucky throws on a pair of sweatpants and follows him out to the living room. After having both managed to get fully dressed and making a quick visit to the bathroom to freshen up just enough to be presentable, Steve walks to the door, bends down and puts on his sneakers. He straightens up and is just about to leave, but pauses with his hand on the door handle.

 

“Listen, I know I shouldn’t just rush away like this, it feels a bit weird, but…”

 

“It’s OK.”

 

Bucky is just standing there, hands in his pockets, shrugging lightly. Steve lets go of the handle and turns around to face him. 

 

“I mean, we should probably not just leave this without….after all, we’re supposed to be friends and this might…” Before he manages to get too far in his ranting, Bucky stops him once again.

 

“Steve. It’s OK.”

 

Steve looks a bit relieved, takes a step forward, places his hands on Bucky’s hips and gives him a soft kiss. 

 

“Just so you know”, he murmurs against Bucky’s neck, “I don’t regret a thing.” 

 

Bucky shivers a little and buries his nose in Steve’s hair.

 

“Neither do I.” 

 

As soon as Steve has left, Bucky leans back against the door, closes his eyes, and lets all air out of his lungs in a long, shaking breath. No, he doesn’t regret anything that has happened between them during these last 24 hours. However, he has absolutely no idea what will happen  _ now _ , and it’s frankly one of the scariest feelings he’s ever had.

 

*****

A couple of hours later, Bucky’s phone buzzes three times in quick succession. Even before he picks it up, he’s pretty sure who’s so eager to reach him.

 

**Steve:** _You there?_

 

**Steve:** _I just thought...maybe we should actually talk about what happened. How to handle it, you know._

 

**Steve:** _I don’t want things to get all weird between us._

 

Bucky studies the messages for a while before typing out his answer. 

 

**Bucky:** _I don’t want it to get weird either._

 

He knows that it’s just a partial answer, that he’s dodging the actual subject here. He also knows that Steve knows that he’s stalling, which is why he’s not actually surprised by the next message.

 

**Steve:** _OK, it’s not that I want to pressure you. But...I would feel a lot better if we could just talk it out._

 

**Bucky:** _We will. I promise._

 

More stalling. It’s not that he’s against the talking, of course they should talk about it, he realizes that too. And as he doesn’t want to be perceived as a total asshole he sends another message.

 

**Bucky:** _But we don’t need to schedule a time and date, right? Feels like blowing it out of proportions, I mean, we see each other pretty often anyway._

 

OK, so he’s still left it pretty open, but acknowledged that they will meet and talk eventually. Of course they will. He doesn’t have time to put his phone down before it buzzes again though.

 

**Steve:** _That’s fine. I’d rather take it IRL than like this anyway._

 

**Steve:** _Can I just ask you one question though?_

 

**Bucky:** _Sure._

 

**Steve:** _ What do you want? _

 

And there it is, the question that should be so easy, but at the same time is so hard. The one that doesn’t have a right or a wrong answer and that consists of just four small words, but still manages to occupy his entire mind at the moment. And yes, it’s just one question, but for fuck’s sake, it’s probably the biggest question of them all.

 

_ What do you want? _

 

**_What do you want?_ **

 

**_WHAT DO YOU WANT?_ **

 

He sits and stares at the screen for what feels like an eternity. He wants to be honest to Steve, he really does, but he needs time to sort out what he’s actually feeling about this before he can answer properly. Because although what happened yesterday was something he HAD considered before he 1) never thought it would actually happen and 2) never had anticipated how he would feel afterwards because...well, because 1. 

 

Finally he manages to at least type something that, while probably not being the actual answer Steve is looking for, is completely true.

 

**Bucky:** _I want to do it again._

 

*****

He doesn’t hear from Steve for the rest of the day or the next couple of days either, apart from some casual messaging about nothing special. This isn’t unusual per se, but he thinks that this particular silence might actually be due to Steve really being serious about not wanting to pressure him. Besides, they both know they’ll see each other tomorrow, because tomorrow is gym day and you don’t mess with gym day, come hell or high water.

 

He really does appreciate to have some time for himself, trying to sort everything out, because right now his head feels like a goddamn mess. One moment he thinks that sure, what happened was awesome, but now he has to go on with his life, and the next he’s picturing himself leaning his head on Steve’s shoulder while Steve is running his fingers through his hair. One moment he is mentally scrolling through his contact list for some temporary company, the next he’s straddling Steve’s lap, kissing him passionately and getting the same intensity in return.

 

It’s confusing as hell. Part of him just wants things to be like before so that he doesn’t have to deal with all of this, and part of him wants to fall into Steve’s arms and stay there forever. The former feels comfortable and easy, but also pretty much like running away. The latter feels sweet and thrilling, but also quite absurd.

 

And to be frank, both parts feel fucking terrifying.

 

To occupy his mind with something else for a couple of hours he decides to meet up with some of his friends at a bar downtown where they’re currently involved in an impromptu eight-ball tournament. He knows Steve probably won’t be there since he can’t play pool to save his life which, frankly, neither can Bucky. But he’s still up for a beer or two as well as some much needed company, so he puts on his jacket and gets going, determined to leave all confused thoughts in his apartment for now.

 

When he gets there Tony and Bruce are in the middle of a game at one table while Clint is apparently taking on both Thor and his brother at the same time at another. Natasha is leaning back against a wall a little further away, holding a glass of beer and watching the players with an amused look on her face. Bucky orders a beer for himself and walks over to her.

 

“Already out of the game?”

 

She snorts.

 

“Please. I would beat either of them at any given day and they all know that. I’m not playing tonight, just enjoying the show.”

 

Bucky stands next to her, and they drink and small talk before going back to study the game. He actually likes watching people play from time to time, but tonight all the thoughts in his head is making it hard to concentrate and soon he’s zoning out. He’s brought back to reality when he’s hit in the ribs by a sharp elbow. 

 

“Ow! What?!”

 

“Where did you go?” Natasha looks curiously at him. “I was trying to talk to you, but you were just staring straight ahead, looking all gone.”

 

“Sorry, it’s…” Bucky rubs his eyes with one hand. “..it’s nothing. Just thought about something. What did you say?”

 

“I only said that it’s nice having someone else here who doesn’t play. Being a single-person audience can become boring after a while.” She pauses for a second, watching Bruce miss a shot and almost rip the wool cloth covering the table with his cue. “Even if this game does have its entertaining moments.”

 

They both laugh, and Bucky takes another sip of his beer. Natasha does the same with hers, then clears her throat.

 

“So, do you know where Steve is tonight?”

 

Bucky shouldn’t react any different to this. It’s a perfectly normal question, to ask where someone’s friend is. But his mind hasn’t been dealing with much else than thoughts of and related to Steve for almost two whole days now, and it’s almost like he’s programmed on that name. So when he hears someone else say it out loud he actually flinches, just a tiny, involuntary, but definitely noticeable flinch. He tries to compose himself and opens his mouth to answer, but Natasha looks at him with suspicion and cuts him off before he has a chance to say anything.

 

“What was that about?”

 

“I don’t...it’s just…” Bucky stammers. Normally, it would probably be possible to come up with an excuse for this and get away with it, but right now his mind is, for once, totally blank. Natasha looks at him in disbelief.

 

“Oh my god, Bucky!”

 

Finally, he manages to get a grip of himself and his voice again. He straightens up a bit, trying to look as casual as possible.

 

“What?”

 

“You’ve fucked him, haven’t you?!”

 

Bucky gives Natasha a look that is a mix of amusement and resignation.

 

“You’re really freaky when you do that kind of thing, you know?

 

“So you did?”

 

“Well, yeah. Among other things.”

 

Natasha doesn’t reply right away, but takes a big gulp of her beer, swallows, then nods approvingly.

 

“Figures. I shouldn’t be surprised, really. He’s been looking at you with even bigger puppy eyes than he usually has for several months now, and you haven’t always seemed entirely uninterested either. I just thought, since it went on for so long, that none of you would do anything about it.” She puts her glass on a nearby table and crosses her arms in front of her chest. “So what happens now?” 

 

Bucky leans back against the wall again and sighs.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know.”

 

“No...I mean, I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. And I know that he wants to talk about it, I just...there hasn’t  been a good opportunity to do it yet. And I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know where to start!”

 

“Well…” Natasha turns to face him. “How do you feel about him?”

 

“I like him. I really like him. I mean, I did want for this to happen, but at the same time…” He sighs. “At the same time you don’t want to risk ruining a great friendship by doing something really stupid.”

 

“So why did you finally?”

 

“I didn’t, actually. He did.”

 

“HE did?”

 

Bucky shrugs and nods.

 

“Huh. I’m surprised. I mean, no offense to Steve, but you are the more assertive one between you two.”

 

“Told you, it’s not like I didn’t think about it, but there’s the thing about fucking up a perfectly good friendship, blah, blah, blah…”. He empties his beer glass and puts it down. “Besides, I wasn’t sure he was even interested.” 

 

“Oh, for fucks sake, how could you not notice that?!” Natasha actually seems annoyed now. “Like I said, he’s been looking at you for MONTHS and not really in a platonic friendly way although I know he’s tried to hide it, but it’s not like he’s done a very good job there. And let’s face it, he’s been quite terrible at concealing how he feels about all of your dating as well.

 

“Yeeeaah…we kind of got in an argument about that.” Bucky cringes a bit when he thinks of his complete ignorance. “I...might have thought that he was just being a disapproving asshole.”

 

“Oooh, Bucky, Bucky, Bucky...” Natasha groans and hides her face in her hands for a couple of seconds, then looks up at him again. “How could you have been so totally clueless about him having at least some feelings for you?”

 

Bucky scoffs. 

 

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s usually me who go after people I like. I don’t have much experience of doing it the other way around, and I’m normally quite oblivious of people taking an interest in me. I prefer being the one making the choices, not being the one who’s chosen. Not something I’m always proud of, but there it is.”

 

“Fine, fine, if you say so, but still…” She cuts herself off and puts her hands up in a “nevermind” gesture. “OK, so you like him, right?”   
  
“Yes.”

 

“A lot.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And this wasn’t a one-time occasion?”

 

“I don’t...I hope not.”

 

“But do you just want to sleep with him? Or actually be with him?”

 

“I don’t knoooooow!” Bucky whines, throwing his head back. “It’s not like I haven’t been thinking about it, I have. I like being with him. I do. But I’m not sure I….can do more than that. I’ve never really seen myself as relationship material.” He shrugs. “And I don’t know if that’s what he wants either. Or if he wants anything at all.”

 

“Then get together and talk about it!” Natasha pokes him hard in the chest several times to emphasize her words. “Soon. Come on Bucky, it’s not like you’re total strangers to each other, you should be able to do this.”

 

“Yeah, but it’s like...talking about it makes everything more real, you know? Either we decide that this was a one-time thing and we go back to being friends like before, except it wouldn’t be like before because of what has happened between us. I’m not saying it will be awkward, but it will probably be awkward.”

 

He pauses a little too long and Natasha gestures at him to go on.

 

“Or we decide that we’ll give it a try and we start, I don’t know, dating properly I guess. What if it doesn’t work out? Just because we’ve been great friends doesn’t mean that we’ll be an equally great couple. And if we break up, what will happen then? Will we be able to go back to being friends? Can we still hang out together with you guys like before? My guess? It. Will. Be. Awkward.”

 

Natasha looks at him in disbelief.

 

“Oh my god, can you even hear yourself? You’ve slept together once and now you’re, I don’t know, basically planning your wedding? You’re jumping so far ahead it’s insane. Sure, all those things MIGHT happen, but it MIGHT also turn out really great. Just saying.”

 

Bucky just groans and Natasha continues.

 

“I get that it’s hard, and it’s uncomfortable, and it’s scary, but I’ll promise you that you’ll regret it if you let all this come to nothing. And regardless of the outcome it’ll always feel a lot better to have come to a conclusion rather than always have to wonder what could have been.”

 

Bucky purses his lips and shakes his head, looking a tiny bit irritated, but mostly just tired.

 

“Do you know how annoyingly sensible you’re being right now?” 

 

“I most certainly do!” Natasha looks proud, then turns serious. “I know it’s a lot easier for me, as an outsider, to say this than it is for you to actually do it. I really do. But I still believe you have to talk this out, it’ll be even more awkward if you don’t.”

 

She puts her arm around Bucky’s shoulders.

 

“Come on now, promise me you’ll do it.”

 

“I’ll promise. But…”

 

He never gets to finish his sentence as Clint comes up to them, looking ever so smug with his cue at the ready.. 

 

“I single-handedly CRUSHED them. I’m seriously considering renaming myself the God of Eight-ball. Does anyone of you...”

 

He stops when he notices he’s interrupted something.

 

“What are you two talking about?”

 

Bucky and Nat look at each other, then at Clint, and Nat says “Football” at the same time as Bucky says “Shopping”, then nearly kills themselves with laughter at the badly quoted Trainspotting scene. Clint just shakes his head and walks off again, waving his cue and calling out to the others.

 

“The GOD OF EIGHT-BALL is currently accepting all challenges! Any takers?!”

 

Natasha looks after him as he goes.

 

“I’d better go after him, make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble. Thor is usually not too happy about people claiming God status in...anything, I guess. Sore loser.”

 

She leaves and Bucky is left alone with his thoughts again, feeling a little bit lighter after getting things out in the air, but still being no less frustrated than before.

 

*****

Working out together the next evening goes relatively smooth, actually. There is a tiny moment of hesitation and stiffness when they meet up, but it’s gone almost immediately and they go through deadlifts, bench presses and accessory work before calling it a night. They don’t mention the talk, and neither the gym nor the locker room is the place to have it, obviously. 

 

Bucky actually considers sneaking a kiss in the locker room, but once again, something for which this is neither the time nor the place. He does wonder whether Steve has been thinking about doing something like this too, though. After all, he was the one to initiate the whole thing the other day, but maybe he feels that this is enough, that last time was all he needed. However, he decides that this isn’t worth worrying about right now, or maybe never (yeah, right), and he finishes up and gets ready to go.

 

Outside, when they should normally just say goodbye and go their separate ways, they stand opposite each other and just wait for a moment, shuffling a bit, no one seeming to want to take the first step. Finally, Steve breaks the uncomfortable silence.

 

“So…”

 

“So.”

 

“Look, still no pressure, but it’s not like I’ve got something better to do right now, so maybe we could...get it out of the way, you know?”

 

Bucky hesitates for a second, but then he remembers that he promised Natasha and to some extent himself as well to actually do this.

 

“Sure. Your place? I don’t know about you, but I rather do this in private than in public, and your apartment is closer than mine.”

 

Steve nods in agreement. 

 

“OK. Sounds like a plan.”

 

*****

The walk to Steve’s place is fairly short, no more than 10 minutes. There’s some small talk on the way, but it feels a little contrived, like they’re trying a little too hard to keep it normal. Bucky assumes that it’s because they’re both nervous about this whole thing (it’s true for his part, anyway) and he’s almost relieved when they’re finally walking up the stairs in Steve’s building. It doesn’t only have to do with the somewhat stilted conversation, it’s also because he’s having a hard time to stop focusing on Steve’s lips, his eyes, his freakin’ entire face, because damn, he really wants to kiss him. 

 

Which is why he, as soon as they’ve closed the door behind them, turns around to press his body against Steve’s, pushing him up against the wall with one arm slung around his neck. The action catches Steve off-guard and his sound of surprise mixes with Bucky’s moan of satisfaction when their lips finally meet. It doesn’t take long for Steve to relax into it though and they stay like that for a while, slowly but devotedly tasting each other's mouths until Steve seems to snap back to reality.

 

“Hold on, Bucky, wait…”

 

The words come out slightly unclear as it’s a bit hard to speak when someone is holding onto your lower lip with his teeth. He puts his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and gently pushes him away. Bucky reluctantly lets go of Steve’s mouth and tries, but fails miserably, to look sweet and innocent.

 

“We probably shouldn’t be doing this right now.”

 

“I beg to differ. I actually thought about it in the gym, the locker room, the street and on the stairs as well, but compared to all those choices “right now” seems like the best one.” 

 

“You know that’s not what I meant, Bucky.”

 

Bucky doesn’t reply to this. Instead he leans towards Steve again to brush their lips together in a feathery touch that isn’t exactly a kiss. 

 

“Shouldn’t we be talking?” Steve breathes against his mouth. 

 

“We ARE talking.”

 

Steve opens his mouth again, but what’s probably supposed to be an argument disappears in a sharp exhale when Bucky’s hips starts to slowly rock against his. Bucky is quite pleased with the fact that it takes Steve more than just a couple of breaths to regain enough composure to be able to speak again, and when he does his voice isn’t as steady as before. 

 

“You know, it’s really hard to try to have a serious conversation when you’re dry-humping me like this.”

 

Bucky stops moving and just leans against Steve, resting his head on a broad shoulder and glancing down.

 

“Well, I wouldn’t call it REALLY hard, but it’s getting there. ”

 

“You’re terrible.”

 

“Adorable.”

 

“Well. Yes. That too.”

 

Bucky grins and wraps his arms around Steve’s waist, placing tiny kisses and the occasional light nip up the side of his neck. Steve tries to make some kind of weak protest which is soon turned into a soft groan and he tilts his head to the side. Bucky keeps playing with his lips against Steve’s throat while at the same time running one hand up over his abs and chest, coming to rest against his cheek so he can stroke the jawline with thumb and forefinger. Steve’s hands come up behind Bucky’s back to grab his hair, and he makes a needy sound that’s almost a growl while twisting his head to catch Bucky’s mouth with his. Surprised, but eager to comply, Bucky comes up to meet him and they both let go totally, open mouths and tongues curling around each other.

 

They’re making out like horny teenagers, lips pressed together in hasty, bruising kisses, soft tongues making quick moves to taste each others, all sounds a mix of moans, whimpers and gasps. Bucky keeps fairly still but firm, one hand still resting on Steve’s cheek, the other on the small of his back, pressing their bodies against each other. Steve, on the other hand, is virtually restless, letting his hands wander all over Bucky’s upper body like he would like to touch all of him at once. Their hips are moving rhythmically against each other and Bucky can clearly feel Steve’s erection pressing against his thigh, while himself being so fucking hard it almost hurts. 

 

Steve suddenly pulls back from the crazy, frantic embrace, breathing heavily with his lips slightly parted, swollen and reddened from all the action, hands resting on Bucky’s hips.

 

“Bedroom. Now.” he says in a voice that leaves no room for contradiction, not that Bucky was going to protest anyway. 

 

They make their way to the bedroom, sometimes stumbling and almost tripping as none of them wants to let go of the other, a mess of hands and mouths. Steve scrambles at the hem of Bucky’s t-shirt and Bucky raises his arms to help him pull it off before returning the favour. As soon as they reach the bed Bucky pushes Steve down on his back, gently but firmly, and climbs up to straddle his thighs. He runs his hands up Steve’s arms and pins his wrists on each side of his head. With a mischievous grin he leans forward and first kisses, then runs the tip of his tongue over the sensitive skin just below Steve’s ear, making him shiver. 

 

“Tell me what you want.”

 

Bucky’s voice is a predatory whisper against Steve’s neck. He enjoys being the one in control and based on his experience from last time he’s pretty sure Steve won’t mind it in the slightest. There is no answer though, Steve just moans and bucks his hips up towards him, turning his head trying to find Bucky’s mouth with his own.

 

“Steeeve.” Bucky looks stern and straightens up a bit, still leaning forward and holding Steve’s arms down. “Tell. Me. What. You. Want.”

 

“You.” His face is flushed and he tries to look away, perhaps too self-conscious to meet Bucky’s eyes. “I want....” Then, suddenly, it’s like he decides that any amount of modesty might as well go straight to hell and he looks right at him, eyes ablaze with desire. “I want you to fuck me.” 

 

Bucky definitely don’t need to be told that twice. Smiling his usual crooked grin he lets go of Steve’s wrists and moves down his body, kissing and stroking him all over as he works his way down to his belt buckle. Once there, it ‘s easily undone and Steve lifts his hips up from the bed to help Bucky as he’s pulling off both jeans and boxers (and socks, obviously), leaving them in a rumpled pile on the floor before undressing himself.

 

“Christ, Bucky, that’s...you’re so fucking gorgeous.”

 

Steve looks at him in awe while Bucky gets back in bed and slowly crawls on top of him while tracing the fingertips of one hand up his side, across his shoulders to the back of his neck. He closes his eyes and shudders while Bucky chuckles softly against his chest.

 

“Well, Rogers. You’re not too hard on the eyes either.”

 

Their actions in the bedroom matches the ones from earlier. Bucky takes his time, this being his territory where he’s confident and in charge, while Steve is fast-paced, eager but also willing to follow. Every caress, every kiss, together with the sweet feeling of skin against skin causes a surge of heat throughout Bucky’s body and he lets out a coarse groan while pressing himself against Steve’s thigh.

 

It comes to a point when their hips are grinding together so fervently that Steve puts his hands against Bucky’s chest and pushes them apart, just far enough so that he can turn to reach into the drawer in his bedside table for lube and a condom. Bucky, loving to tease, decides to be absolutely no help at all and keeps nibbling at his earlobe while at the same time sliding a hand down between his legs to stroke him just once, slowly, which is all that’s needed to cause Steve to almost throw the small bottle at him in frustration as soon as he’s found it.

 

“Damn you...you...bastard ”, he hisses between gritted teeth as he involuntarily pushes up into Bucky’s hand. 

 

“Language!”, Bucky scolds with a smile as he lets go and reaches down by Steve’s side, picking up the bottle from the sheets and popping the cap.

 

Gentle but firm he’s reaching around with one hand, slowly working the tension out of Steve, while letting the other one stroke and trace every single line and muscle on his stomach and chest. Steve’s legs are wrapped around his waist, fingers digging into his shoulders to the point where it almost hurts, pulling him as close as possible. The kisses he lands on Bucky’s mouth are hot and intense, accompanied by moans that are so engaging they makes Bucky’s head buzz and it takes him great effort to not rush things along.

 

When he thinks neither him nor Steve can take it anymore, Bucky sits back up, letting his fingers slide out. Steve shivers, a quivering gasp running through his chest and shoulders, and reaches one arm out to pull Bucky back to him. Bucky softly catches his hand, placing a feathery kiss in his palm before letting it go again to grab the condom from the nightstand. 

 

“Relax. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

His voice is a hoarse whisper, raspy like nails against stubble. With one of his hands is still all slippery he has to use his teeth to rip the foil package open, no finesse whatsoever, before rolling it on and sliding back down between Steve’s legs. He’s moving almost infuriatingly slow wanting to be considerate as well as teasing, but also because he really, REALLY want this to last more than, like, five seconds.

 

It’s probably one of the greatest clichées ever, but when they’re together like this Bucky feels like he’s being swept away by a great ocean wave. Every movement is fluid and natural, and he doesn’t have to think, only follow along. They’re rising and falling together and every sound, every touch from Steve makes sparks of electricity run down Bucky’s spine and all over his skin, tingling in his fingertips and toes. 

 

Eventually their pace picks up, slowly but surely, hips crashing into each other in a way that probably could be painful but right now only feels crazy hot. Bucky starts to feel that inevitable and oh so longed-for surge building inside of him and it makes him push up even harder against Steve and kiss him so furiously that he almost crushes their mouths together, grazing his lower lip with his teeth. A lengthy moan escapes him and his movements increases in both speed and intensity, making Steve arch up from the bed to meet him.

 

With a desperate whimper, grasping and pulling at Bucky’s hair with one hand, he slides the other hand between them, the friction made by their sweat-damp bodies not enough when he’s so close. The sound and action goes straight to some primitive part of Bucky’s brain and it takes almost everything he has not to fall apart right then and there. Somehow he manages to hold it together long enough that he can look into Steve’s goddamn gorgeous face when he tips over the edge, gasping for air with his head tilted back.

 

Watching his partner’s expression of ecstasy does it for Bucky. His forehead pressed against Steve’s, fingers curling in the sheets, he thrusts once, twice more before his vision narrows and then shatters into a thousand little white lights. He’s lost, oblivious, and at the same time so very present and aware of everything.

 

Afterwards they stay together for a while, chest to chest, feeling each others hearts still racing and then slowly getting back to normal. Bucky pushes up on his forearms to get some weight off and Steve catches him with a soft kiss, silent and calm.  

 

They get up in turns to wash off and locate their discarded underwear (not so much for decency as for comfort) before getting back into bed and under the covers. Lying face to face, breaths mingling, they talk, not THE talk, but about perfectly comfortable things for a little while until their voices start to fade into mumbles and their eyelids begins to get heavy. They fall asleep like this, curled up against one another, Steve’s hand still tangled in Bucky’s hair.

 

*****

Bucky opens his eyes and notes that it’s still night time. To be more specific it’s actually closer to morning, as the retro clock radio Steve insists of having instead of a proper alarm clock shows 4:13 in bright red blinking numbers. Unlike when he usually wakes up he’s wide awake from the start this time and lies absolutely still, arms by his sides, staring at the ceiling. Steve is still sleeping beside him, also on his back but with his head turned away and his hands resting above it. Bucky takes a deep, silent breath and lets it all back out.

 

So, this happened. Again.

 

OK, so he’s aware that this might not have been his smartest decision to date. By averting the talk he’s only managed to push it forward and by doing so not exactly making it easier but rather the opposite. He knows that they should deal with it in the morning, sort this out, get it over with, decide what should happen with them from now on. 

 

He doesn’t want to talk about anything. He REALLY doesn’t want to. He knows he’s being very childish, but he only wants things to be easy, not having to take any actual responsibility, just letting them happen. And sure, he could imagine staying with Steve for...well, saying “forever” almost feels a bit dizzying so let’s just go with “for a really long time”. But do they really have to sit down and talk about that like it? He tries to convince himself that if it happens, it happens and if not, well, it was fun while it lasted. 

 

Bucky isn’t a child though. He understands perfectly well why they should act like the grown-ups they actually are and discuss this. And although he’s trying to tell himself that it doesn’t matter what the outcome is, the possibility of him and Steve going back to being just friends, or perhaps not even that, causes a twinge in his chest that makes it hard to breathe. As long as they’re in this pre-talk state of uncertainty at least he still has something. If he risks it, he might have nothing. 

 

He doesn’t want to do this. Or rather, he wants to do THIS, but not...this. Not right now. Which is why he does what pretty much qualifies as something that isn’t exactly the smartest decision he’s ever made. He slides out of bed, silently gathers his clothes, gets dressed and sneaks out the door without waking Steve up.

 

As he’s walking home in the crisp morning air, watching the sky get a little brighter by the horizon with every step, he’s still struggling with that mix of relief and anxiety. Relief because he’s still free from responsibilities for at least a little while longer, anxiety because he’s not entirely sure how Steve will react when he wakes up and notices that Bucky is no longer there. Not that he is known to get very angry or upset about things, but...yeah, this was a bit of a douche move on Bucky’s part. He tries to shrug it off, telling himself that if Steve does confront him about why he left a little white lie never hurt anybody. Right?

 

When he’s finally inside his own apartment, the last of the tension wears off and he realizes that he’s still really tired. He doesn’t even bother to get undressed, just kicks his shoes off, stumbles over to the bed and falls asleep almost before he has even had time to pull the cover over himself. 

 

*****

A couple of hours later he’s abruptly woken up by the buzzing of his phone which he has apparently placed very strategically underneath his pillow. He rummages around for a bit before he gets hold of it, rubs the sleep out of his eyes and squints at the display.

 

Steve. Of course it’s Steve.

 

He considers putting the phone down and going back to sleep again, avoiding it for just a little longer, but then there’s another buzz and he thinks that it’s probably best to get it over with.

 

**Steve:** _ You really couldn’t wait until morning, could you? Something very important on your mind?  _

 

**Steve:** _Really Bucky, this is getting ridiculous. You said you didn’t want to blow it out of proportions, but that’s pretty much what you’re doing right now._

 

His words doesn’t seem so much angry as tired and resigned. Bucky closes his eyes and lets the messages sink in. Steve’s right, of course he is. A tiny voice in the back of Bucky’s head says that this is where he should get his shit together, grow up and take this chance to sort things out. He looks up again, trying to figure out how to respond, but before he does the phone buzzes yet another time.

 

**Steve:** _ What happened to not letting things get weird? No offense, but this IS starting to get quite weird. _

 

Bucky quickly types an answer before Steve has time to say something else.

 

**Bucky:** _ Sorry, didn’t want to wake you in the middle of the night. You’re cute when you’re sleeping, though. _

 

**Steve:** _Bucky. You’re avoiding the issue._

 

**Bucky:** _Yeah, about that. Forgot to tell you that I’m going away for a couple of days. Leaving early and, well, I didn’t exactly have time to pack yesterday, so..._

 

He’s desperate now, trying to buy himself some more time, but the lie is so bad and so obvious that he really shouldn’t expect anything else than what comes next. 

 

**Steve:** _ Do you actually think I’m that stupid? _

 

And then, less than a minute later.

 

**Steve:** _ I’m sorry Bucky, but I just...I can’t do this. Fuck, I LIKE YOU SO MUCH, but I can’t. Not this way. It’s not worth it. _

 

The disappointment and resignation in Steve’s words strikes Bucky like a blow to the stomach, making him feel both hot and cold all over, like being pushed into an icy shower while his insides are burning up. He knows he has acted like an asshole, sure, but Steve is usually forgiving on the verge of naive and this was NOT supposed to happen. Desperation turns to panic and he frantically types a series of messages, hoping for at least some damage control.

 

**Bucky:** _I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know you’re not stupid, and I promise we’ll talk, I PROMISE, but I really really can’t do it right now, but soon, OK?_

 

**Bucky:** _Steve, I like you a lot too. I do. Please don’t be mad at me._

 

**Bucky:** _Steve?_

 

He knows that the messages have been delivered and read, the gift and curse of the messenger app’s tiny timestamp, but the reply he’s waiting for isn’t coming. He waits for an hour, then another, switching between pacing back and forth and sitting on the edge of his couch, nervously picking at a loose thread in his sweater and scrolling at his phone. Still nothing. He considers sending yet another message, but he has no idea what to say at this moment and whatever he could come up with would probably be met with silence as well. He sighs and collapses back down onto the couch, dropping his phone to the floor and just lies there, staring at the ceiling.

 

So, this is it. In the end, by being so terribly scared to fuck up, he managed to fuck up even worse than he could have imagined.

 

*****

Bucky doesn’t know how long he’s been lying flat on his back, listening to his own breathing and trying without much success to calm down the freaking tornado of thoughts that is currently rushing through his head. It has to be hours though, he’s pretty sure about that. Okay, so Steve isn’t interested in talking to him anymore, that’s understandable. He’s behaved like an idiot, he’s been a coward and he’s been lying to and manipulating his best friend. Are they still even friends? Bucky can hardly remember a time when they weren’t and the thought of them falling out completely is so overwhelming that it almost causes him physical pain. He needs to fix this. HAS to fix this. Now, before it gets even worse, if such a thing is even possible.

 

He sits up, rubs his face and runs his fingers through his hair while considering his options. He really only has one right now, since Steve won’t answer his messages and quite possibly won’t answer his phone either. Besides, they probably won’t have even the slightest chance of sorting this out unless they’re face to face. He pushes himself off the couch, throws on his jacket and starts walking back to Steve’s apartment.

 

And now he stands here, in front of what looks like an ordinary apartment door, but which at the moment feels as menacing as the Black Gate of Mordor (note to self: stop your nerdy movie references, they’re not impressing anyone). It hasn’t even been a day since he last was here, but it feels like it might as well have been ages ago and the door that is usually so familiar and welcoming now feels cold and alien. It strikes him that Steve might not be home, or he might not even want to let Bucky in. He doesn’t really have any choice but to try though, and after a few seconds of hesitation he knocks on the door, takes a step back and waits. 

 

It takes such a long time before anything happens that he, not without a sense of relief, considers to turn around and leave, but then he hears the sound of the safety chain being removed and the door opens. Steve doesn’t look mad at least, only tired and maybe a little reserved.

 

“What do you want?”

 

“Can I come in?” Bucky hopes Steve doesn’t notice the slight tremble in his voice, giving away his nervousness about this whole situation. Steve hesitates for a couple of seconds, then shakes his head indifferently.

 

“I guess.” 

 

He steps aside, holding up the door and letting Bucky inside. Bucky walks cautiously past him and into the apartment, sitting down on the couch and trying keep his hands calmly in his lap. Steve comes to stand leaning against the opposite wall, arms crossed, waiting. There is a moment of silence before he decides to break it.

 

“Look, Bucky, I don’t know what to say anymore, but since you’re here I’m guessing something’s on your mind.” He shrugs. “Honestly, I’m not sure I don’t want to hear it right now, but since you’re here you might as well go right ahead.”

 

Bucky looks down at his hands, still not sure where to begin, a thousand things coming to mind but not one of them seeming like the right one. Finally, he settles for the one that seems at least a little bit appropriate.

 

“I’m sorry” he mumbles. “I really am. I didn’t mean for it to be this way, it just…”

 

He’s stops himself right when he’s about to say “it just happened”, because of course it didn’t. Every step that has led up to this mess has been a more or less conscious decision on his part and he didn’t walk all the way over here to come up with more excuses. He shakes his head and continues, louder now.

 

“I was scared. I AM scared. Look, it’s not that I’ve never cared about other people I’ve been with, but it’s always been simpler somehow, I haven’t really had to think about it. But this is different, because this...this is YOU.” 

 

The words start to come easier to him and he says them straight from the heart without even thinking. 

 

“And like I said before, I did want it to happen, but I hadn’t expected how it would feel afterwards, that I would actually care as much as I did. So all of a sudden I find myself having all of these feelings and thoughts I’m not exactly used to and have no fucking idea how to deal with. And not knowing for sure what you want or, for that matter, what I want or going to do apparently makes my mind go all haywire and suddenly I’m overthinking EVERYTHING, going through absolutely everything that could happen, both good and bad, but mainly the latter, because for some reason that’s so much more simple to imagine.” 

 

He standing up now, talking faster and faster and stumbling on some of the words while gesturing with his hands to emphasize what he’s saying.

 

“So I thought that if we left things the way they were, then at least we would have that and not risk screwing anything up by starting to poke around in what it was or could become. That way, I would still have you because nothing would really have to change, or so I thought. I freaked out. I might not have known what I wanted out of all this, but I did know that I wanted to be with you in some way at least. As a friend, sure, if that’s all there is, but fuck it Steve, I really want you. I didn’t realize it before, but i do. What I absolutely never wanted to do was to lose you. Never did. But right now it feels like that’s exactly what I’ve done, only because I am SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!”

 

Exhausted, he drops his head and buries his face in his hands, not sure if anything he’s said has been worth it or if he’s only made things even worse. Steve hasn’t moved or said a word during this whole speech, but now Bucky can hear him walk across the floor towards him.

 

“Bucky…”

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything and still won’t look up, but removes his hands from his face and lets them hang by his side. He feels Steve’s hands on his shoulders, stroking them gently and running down his arms to rest on top of his hands.

 

“You ARE an idiot.”

 

Bucky really can’t meet Steve’s eyes right now. He just stands there, head down, and keeps staring at his own feet.

 

“I know”, he says in a low voice.

 

Steve’s weight shifts towards him, just a little, and he can feel him squeeze his hands lightly. His face is so close to Bucky’s forehead that he can feel a little puff of air when he speaks again.

 

“But you’re my idiot.”

 

He rests his face against Bucky’s head, nuzzling his hair, which causes the next things he says to come out a bit muffled, staccato, but still fully audible.

 

“And I don’t want to lose you either. I want you too. As in, more than a friend. If you’ll have me.”

 

Bucky is all out of words, but he nods and when he finally lifts his head he looks straight into that gentle, honest, PERFECT face and for the first time in days his head is totally empty of thoughts except for one. 

 

_ I really want this _ . 

 

He can’t help the whimper escaping his lips when Steve strokes his cheek at the same time as they meet in a kiss that starts out so very soft, but becomes more eager and demanding by the second. They’re hugging and caressing each other, hands wandering over arms, shoulders and backs, but when Bucky starts running his fingers inside the waistband of Steve’s jeans, Steve stops him by removing his hands, gently holding him by the wrists.

 

“No, no, NO, Bucky. Not this time.” he says, trying to sound chiding, but Bucky can feel him smiling against his mouth. He takes a step back, but still holds on to one of Bucky’s hands and nods over his shoulder towards the door.

 

“Come on. We’re going out.”

 

“Out?”

 

“Yeah. I haven’t eaten in all day and my guess is neither have you. And if we’re going to do this we might as well start with a proper date. Involving food.”

 

He laughs and Bucky can’t help but laugh too, because this is so hilarious and so weird and so marvelous at the same time. He lets himself be led out of the door and when it falls shut behind them he wraps one of his arms around Steve’s neck and pulls him in for a quick kiss before they continue down the stairs.

 

And this is not where it ends, but rather where everything starts.  

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to leave Steve and Bucky after Tap Out, but I thought it would be nice to switch to Bucky as the main character this time. Happy to get some more dialogue in this time and also to make it at least a little longer than the last one. 
> 
> Hope you'll like it!


End file.
